jtangona


Jenn with 2 N's

I'm on the air because I care


One day at a time
jtangona
"You will walk me through my pain and sorrow...and I know I can face tomorrow...ONE MORE TIME."

I think...
jtangona
I'm going to start "journaling" again...a new year, new perspective...2009 is the year for "Jenn's Healing". So, once again you can come along for the journey with me...should be interesting...

Am I all cried out?
jtangona
UGHHHHHHH I'm confused.

When you hear lots of different opinions, suggestions and "words of wisdom and advice"...your mind starts to get muddled.

So I choose to follow my gut. And my gut is telling me (at the moment) that I still love Jeff and I want to talk to him about what's going on and really get to the "bottom of all this" rather than jumping the gun. I don't want to give up just yet...especially since I feel so strongly about him...about us...and about our future. Amber said something that I told my friend earlier in the day (before Amber told me)..."If you believe that Jeff is the one and you really do love him...then you'll fight for it even at the risk of totally putting yourself out there. You have to fight for it if he means that much to you."

So I'm going to talk to him and like I said, I hope we'll be able to really talk everything through and see what we can come up with together if that's even the decision we'll end up agreeing on. All I know is that I don't want this happening EVERY SINGLE YEAR, I don't want him to bottle everything up and then boom spring all these excuses at me and totally catch me off guard, I want a more open line of communication, I want us to come up with a plan on how we can have our personal days where we can just do our thing for our mental sanity or just to even catch up on errands, I want us to come up with a plan where we can be more supportive of one another on an equal level where we both feel like we're helping each other and in turn ourselves towards achieving our personal goals, I want us to be able to talk more openly and realistically about where we want this to go and I want us to come up with a more structured plan as far as our finances and our health lifestyle. That's a good start right? I mean these are basically the issues that he brought up...

I'm just afraid...what if he doesn't take the talk very well and just decides in this entire week of not speaking or seeing each other that he wants to really BREAK UP break up...I'm just worried...

But I can't worry about things I have no control over...I'll just have to see...

Weak moment #1...1 hour away from Day 2
jtangona
I'm weak. I'm so weak. But doesn't weakness show how much I still love him and care? Ugh, I called him and of course he didn't answer...now who looks like an idiot? I shouldn't have done that! I'm so mad at myself right now! Now he must think I'm pathetic!

I just...wanted...to hear his voice.

I just want things to be ok again.

But they're not going to be between us huh?

I'm just so hurt and devastated...I..I...still love him...

Is that so wrong?

Oh come on Jenn! Couples break up all the time...couples who to the world had a fairy tale almost perfect relationship...turn around and break up.
People move on all the time and learn how to love again. I've been through this before...I can get through it again right? Yeah, this is a lot different than past relationships...but if I have to get over him then that's what I have to do. And it will be hard. And I will have weak moments like I just had...and there will be days where I'll just want to be pathetic and plead and beg for him to change his mind...and maybe there will be days where I'll be fine with everything and go on about my day...

I feel like barracading myself in my room and shutting the world out. It's too hard to put on this fake smile and pretend that I don't want to just cry my eyes out. What a lonely feeling to be surrounded by so many people and still feel so completely and utterly alone. Why does it feel like that? Why does heartache and breakups put you in this completely low and depressed state? I know that's a lame question...but I just want it to stop.


And if I was wrong
I know I don't deserve this
Don't stay too long
I need to hear those words you use to tell me
From way back when we were just friends
Before this love affair began

Tell me how I love you ends
Or how a broken heart can mend
Please tell me this is not the end
Please tell me now

How a fairy tale begins
Of how it was supposed to end
Please tell me that part again
Tell me now baby
Again babe

Now tell me what's wrong
I never meant to hurt you
Oh baby
Was it the home, the car
Or a dozen all those things we thought we needed
But tell me even if it ain't true
Baby please don't say we're through

Tell me how I love you ends
Or how a broken heart can mend
Pleaes tell me this is not the end
Please tell me now
How a fairy tale began
Of how it was supposed to end

Please tell me that part again
Tell me now baby
Break it down darlin

I wanna know that feeling back from way back
Darlin it was true that
Love was sweet and innocent
And you and I could still be friends
Make all the wrong be right again
Where true love never has to end

Tell me how
Tell me how I love you ends
Of how a broken heart could really mend
Please tell me this is not the end

Tell me now baby
How the fairy tale began
Or how it was supposed to end
Please tell me that part again

Make it work...WORK being the magic word
jtangona
NE-YO LYRICS

"Make It Work"

You Understand Me
At Least You Say You Do
Lately That’s Enough For Me
Looking For Perfect
Surrounded By Artificial
You’re The Closest Thing To Real I've Seen
I’m Sure Everyone Has Their Problems
That’s A Given
Yours Are The Easiest To Tolerate
This Wasn’t What We Was Wanting
How We're Living
Let’s Take This Good Enough And Turn It To Great
Baby Understand...

This Can Only Be As Good As We Both Make It
Guess Sometimes It’s Gonna Hurt
We Can Be As Happy As We Want To Be Girl
But We Gotta Make It Work
We Gotta Make It Work...

Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh

Sometimes I Love You
More Than You'll Ever Know
Other Times You Get On My Nerves
That's Just Reality
No, It Can't Always Be
Kisses, Hugs, And Beautiful Words

You Was Looking For Your Friends
What You Found
Is A Partner With Potential

And No, I Know I Ain't Perfect
But I'm Around
Girl Time And Patience Is Essential
Baby Realize...

This Can Only Be As Good As We Both Make It
Guess Sometimes It’s Gonna Hurt
We Can Be As Happy As We Want To Be Girl
But We Gotta Make It Work
We Gotta Make It Work...

Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh

Thick And Thin,
The Bad Outweighs The Good Sometimes
That Doesn't Mean We're 'spose To Give It Up
My Problems Are Yours, And Yours Are Mine

This Can Only Be As Good As We Both Make It
Guess Sometimes It’s Gonna Hurt
We Can Be As Happy As We Want To Be Girl
But We Gotta Make It Work
We Gotta Make It Work...

Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh

That would make 3 for the night...sheesh!
jtangona
It’s kinda boring not having MySpace to look at to pass time…ugh! I could go on You Tube which is ANOTHER huge addiction of mine…but I’m not really feeling it at the moment…

I’m getting sleepy, I hope that when I get home I can just fall asleep and get through my day. I’m SUPER excited though. ARI’S COMING TO VISIT ME FOR THE WEEKEND! That my friend is what I call SISTERHOOD! She knows I’ve been having a rough time and her and Amber have been such a great source of support and comfort for me the past couple of days. They know me more than anyone I know. Amber has known me and Jeff since we STARTED dating and I feel she knows the circumstances of our relationship a lot better than my other friends. Ari has known me since the 5th grade and has been my girl through it all. My elementary crushes, my first love break up, all the stupid shit I did during college and the ups and downs after I graduated from UCI, to my FIRST break up with Jeff and now my SECOND break up with Jeff. She knows me inside and out and regardless of what is going on in her life, she always makes time for me…she is the epitome of loyalty. We don’t talk as much as we use to but she’s awesome and I love how our conversations pick up where they left off. She ALWAYS has the best words to put things into perspective…she has a great sense of “reality” and the right amount of hope when she gives me advice or words of consolement.

I just didn’t want to be alone this weekend. I haven’t told my brother or my mom about the breakup and I don’t know when I’ll tell them either. It’s too hard to explain things to my mom without her assuming or making allegations. Besides she’d either do one of 2 things: 1. Tell me I should never love a man so much or show him I love him so much and 2. That he doesn’t want a girl whose family is poor or a girl who doesn’t know how to handle money; maybe he was sick and tired of spending money on you too. IF Jeff and I were to “get back together again” she would doubt the credibility of it all since this IS THE SECOND time! So I rather not go through that at the moment and when I have confirmation that we are definitely ending things then in my own time, I will tell my family.

So Ari will be here to keep me company and give me that girlfriend quality time that I so desperately need (I think she needs it too!). Its times like these that I truly value my friends and I see just how loved I am. Jeff told me yesterday, or whenever we broke up, that he just wants me to love myself and to know that so many people love me and want to see me succeed. And I know…and it’s a work in progress. There are days where I’m literally floating on “cloud 9” and I just feel so good about myself…and then there are those days where I doubt and I question. Who doesn’t do that though? Isn’t “working on yourself and loving yourself” a lifelong process?

I wonder if I took him for granted. I wonder if I took advantage of how comfortable I was in our relationship. I wonder if we really were “stuck” and not moving forward. I wonder if I did something wrong or I didn’t do enough of something to make it stronger…

And then I think: We had our challenges but the good far outweighed the bad. Our "issues" weren't anything that couldn't be resolved or works in progress TOGETHER. But I can’t blame myself and I can’t blame him. It was what it was. And what it was was love. And now…it’s over. And I can’t do anything about it but let God direct me on the path I need to go and if that doesn’t involve Jeff…then I guess Jeff and I weren’t in His plans…and one day…I’ll be ok with that.

Day 2...early in the mornin'
jtangona
So it's weird...going MIA on myspace...what do I do with my free time when I'm on air?!!? I think going MIA from that thing will be good for me though...it has easily become an obsession and I didn't want to start doing the crazy ex thing which consists of:

1. Checking his profile and any updates/changes he has made
2. Going on HIS ex's profile and obsessing on trying to figure out what went wrong with them and if there's any correlation with ours...(I know BAD!)
3. Focusing on others and comparing my life to theirs (I do that on the daily, at least taking THAT forum out of the way will eliminate one of the easy access points for me to perpetuate this kind of behavior)

And the list goes on...of course I'll probably end up writing on my livejournal a lot more but like I said not many people check this thing anymore so in a way...it's my little private blog of thoughts and I don't have to worry about censoring myself...

So anyway, I'm wondering if I should also go MIA on facebook...Jeff doesn't have a facebook and it's a lot harder to find people on facebook but...yeah I think I'll go MIA on that thing too...I can easily get obsessed with that thing even though I don't have that many friends to check on on Facebook. Yeah ok, going totally cold turkey and keeping it strictly Livejournal. =D

Soooo I know that I have to go through all this "pain, heartache and turmoil" before I can really start moving on...who knows how long "this part" will last but I'm trying really hard to just flow with it and experience all my emotions fully and not make excuses or feel guilty for feeling the way I feel.

Jeff and I were together for TWO years...the longest committed (or what I thought was a committed) relationship I've ever been in. As much as I WISH that I could just snap my fingers and move on...the reality is that I can't. And I probably won't for a while and only in God's time will I truly move on and understand why this had to happen.

So, in the meantime I do plan on focusing on ME again…although I was focusing on me with the help of Jeff and vice versa but eh, who wants to work on shit? Everything should be easy right? You know, once I figure myself out and love myself completely, I’ll be perfect…and then at that point…what IS the point of being in a relationship because I’ll be totally self sufficient and won’t need anyone to validate that. RIGHT?!!? But like I was saying…as soon as I feel a little more stable, I will continue to focus on myself, drive it hard with the radio thing, continue working on my health and self-image issues (which you know, will be something I might deal with for a long time…but let’s live in a delusional world and pretend that in just a few short months I will get over all that insecurity bullshit), spend more time with my family and return to my faith.

I trust You Lord…Your Will be done…

Come back to me...
jtangona
My undying love for you won't let me wait...

Day 1
jtangona
I don't know if anyone goes to my livejournal anymore...maybe that's what I like about coming back to this...only a small few come across it...

So we broke up yesterday and...well...so many things are going through my head. I don't even know where to begin. I'm hurt, frustrated, confused, hurt, devastated, mad, depressed, hurt, dumbstruck, numb...oh and did I mention I'm hurt?

So interesting how I thought he was this amazing person...flawless in a sense where all his flaws and my flaws complimented each other and always brought us back to the foundation of it all which was...love. Love between me and him. But underneath it all I was dating someone who has been terrified of commitment. He won't admit to that...and hell he'd probably deny it to the Nth degree...but when I sit here and really think about it...the simple explanation is that he can't commit.

He did this exact same thing EXACTLY one year ago a few days after our anniversary. Same circumnstances, same excuses, same sob story, same blaming and pointing fingers, same guilt trip...and in the end no "I love you. I love you enough to fight for us...to WORK on things because that's WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE...WORK!" I told him this both times...and I rec'd nothing in return but an "I dunno...I dunno. I'm just not feeling this anymore"...but this time I took back the power...and I said "I don't deserve to be in a relationship where I'm not wanted or valued enough."

And with that...I told him to never call me, never message me, never email me, never text me, never see me...ever...again. "I want nothing to do with you. If you don't want me, then there's no point in waiting around for you to change your mind. I rather have nothing with you and attempt to move on as clean as possible than to play tag and hold on to some false hope and let my spirit die along with the idea of what we could have had or could have been."

Its been almost 30 hours since we broke up...and I'm hating this empty feeling...I'm hating the mental battle blaring in my brain...should we get back together or not? Has my trust been broken? Would he do this to me AGAIN a year from now? Will he ever realize how much work really goes into a relationship and that the work never stops but that those battles are what strengthens the relationship? Has he lost faith in himself...in me...in US? Will he ever truly commit to me? CAN he ever truly commit to me? Could he ever truly love me...unconditionally?

Is he..."the one"? And now, I'm not so sure anymore...and this is THE first time in our two years together that I've ever questioned...but could you really blame me?


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." ~Proverbs 3:5,6

Selfishness vs. Freedom
jtangona
Selfishness.

Is that what I'm being because I want to get a personal trainer for 3-6 months at $450/month for 10 sessions per month?

True. I have debt. True. I want to help my parents out with the rent. True I need to save money in case I need to move at a whim's end because of a radio opportunity. True. I could spend my money on things that "truly" matter.

I fight with my physical image on the daily. It's not healthy. I absolutely hate being a prisoner in my own self defeating thoughts. It's hard to have the self image issues that I've been struggling with since Jr. High and to just "deal with them" on my own. Meaning...well...how about this:

An alcoholic. Someone who has sought the "comfort" of alcohol for YEARS and finally comes to a point where they hate it. They hate themselves for becoming this unhealthy and "harsh" individual. Is it realistic to say that they can fight the addiction and become sober ON THEIR OWN? Or is it more realistic to say that they need that extra support to get back on the straight path?

People dish out tons of money to go to rehab...to REHABILITATE themselves, body spirit and mind. There are people all over the world that spend money to ehlp get their life back on a manageable path.

Now, I know I'm trying to validate my desire to look and feel healthy. I just don't want to be a slave anymore. And right now, I feel like I don't enough discipline or drive to "do it on my own". So if someone who is certified and experienced to help give that little push that I need...at a price...then I feel it's worth it.

I want to be able to push my self esteem issues aside but it's difficult. I know that there are other things going on in my life that need much more priority than "the way I look", but the truth of the matter is that right now...I'm depressed. And as "pathetic" as that sounds, it's true. Given, getting a personal trainer/nutritionist for 3-4 months and seeing the results I want is not necessarily going to give me perfect unflawless bliss BUT my goal is to get into a routine where I can look at healthy eating and exercise as a part of my daily life that just comes second nature. I know that that's very possible and for me, if spending that extra money for a few months is going to help me get that freedom that I long for and give me that spring of hope back into that aspect of my life, then I think it's worth it.

I know it's a big investment and in some ways I am being selfish for wanting to go through with this but at this point...I'm starting to feel desperate and when I start to feel that way, things get a little...dangerous. I don't want to re-live my "past"...as much as I am removed from it, it's still lingers on my mind and I want to be free of that.

We'll see what happens...I know I have a month and a half to think about it. A month and a half to do this ON MY OWN and see where I go from here.

Thanks for letting me vent...

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